Holy Donut's List of the Campest Game, Series, Or Characters

Holy_Donut

Hallowed greetings traveller. And rapists. But not you Yeti. Not welcome here.

This installment of Donut's Media Reviews, I shall look back at some of the most unintentionally camp games, game series, or game characters. So, sit back, relax, and really, don't worry, you can't catch gay.

This list will be in no particular order, due to my haphazard way of planning things, just ask my ex-English teacher for verification.

MASTER CHIEF, HALO SERIES
What? What I hear you say? Master Chief? John 117? The MC? Spartan 117? Lean, Green, Owning Machine?

Yes, him.

Let us look at the facts. Clearly, he's a bondage fetishist. A constricting metal brace around his groin? An oxygen-restricting helmet? Gloves? Seriously, MC has some daddy issues.

He doesn't complain in the very first game, in the very first cutscene, when he is awoken from sleep. As we manly men know, a certain appendage is...... awoken also due to blood flowing there during the REM stage of sleep.

The appendage is of course, the penis.

So how else do you explain him not falling over in pain as his surely mighty manhood is pressed in close by metal walls? That's right, he's used to it. Perhaps his master makes him wear the chastity belt so he'll behave. Who knows?

Also, the plot, Master Chief, along with his team of burly men, must join together to penetrate, I mean land on, an enormous ring, sorry, ancient weapon platform. He does this with his marines, (Hoo-ah) and his trusty sidekick. A manly black man, with a moustache. Manly man. Hoo-ah.

He smokes cigars. Growls. His name even sounds like a euphemism for penis.

Face it. Master Chief. Is a great big gay. And the Flood? AIDS. Totally.

SOLID SNAKE, METAL GEAR SERIES

Solid Snake. Sooooollliiiiiddd Snnaaakkke.

His snake, it is solid.

A solid snake, can I haz it?

My adjective stealing friend Yahtzee also pointed this out. Wish he'd stop nicking my stuff.

Anyway, he has a mullet. World over, a sign of the homosexual. Apart from in Azerbaijan, where the homosexuals must wear a green cravat.

Solid Snake (snigger) has to sneakily penetrate many enemy strongholds through back doors (snigger) and roughly handle any guards before shoving them forcibly into cupboards.

See? Rape.

Also, he buddies up with this guy.

And in the latest installment, Snake must fight this thing.

The case, she is closed.

THE HEAVY, TEAM FORTRESS 2

Nothing else to say.

Oh and this.

JONATHON, PERFECT DARK ZERO

Now, this distinction must be stressed. Jonathon in the original Perfect Dark was a bit upper-class, but the fact his default weapon was a MAGNUM LIKE DIRTY HARRY USES and he KICKED ALIEN ANUS WITH IT clears that. We are talking about the american-accented, blonde-haired, plimsol-wearing, catsuit-donning idiot from Perfect Dark Zero.

The first introduction to him was when he shows up with his stupid plimsols and stupid hair and stupid face and stupid voice when you're in an underwater lab. I forget why now. Probably because he wanted so new secret hair dye. Anyway, he proceeds to clack around in his little plimsols and his catsuit giving orders like "Fire" and "Take cover" to a squad of people infinitely more manly than him.

Hell, this person is more manly than him.

And yes, that's a bloke.

TINGLE, MAJORA'S MASK, LEGEND OF ZELDA SERIES

Tingle, Tingle Tingle Tingle Tingle.

Easily, the creepiest appearance on this list. First appearing in Majora's Mask for the Nintendo 64, to date the greatest console to grace the world, Tingle was..... he was.....

He was that.

I'm going to be honest. JAPAN!? WHAT THE FUCK!?

This was a man. A fully-grown resident of Clock Town. He is obsessed with 'Forest Fairies' and is a general annoying tit. See that in the picture? "Tingle, Tingle, Kooloo-Limpah!"? He said that, after every single conversation, if not sentence. I wanted to strange the life out of him with my chubby, 10 year old hands.

Tingle's job was to float around in his little red balloon, selling maps. How to get him to come down? You had to shoot the little prick down with arrows, or the bubble attack in Deku form (Don't ask). He would then sell you maps, for a RIDICULOUS SUM! He did this for pretty much every Zelda game he was in subsequently. What rolling sea of LSD-induced mania washed this pathetic creepy man-child onto the fair shores of our collective consciousness? Why does he exist?

Oh yeah, to draw maps and collect rupees.

Apparently.

That's it for this edition of Donut's Media Reviews, next time.... some stuff!

And this is to balance out the picture of Chris Crocker.

NIPPLES AHOY!

haeZen

Lulz.

No need to say more.

haeZen,