Holy_Donut
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Holy Donut's Supra-Liminal Review of Mass Effect.
Mass Effect comes from KOTOR and Jade Empire developer Bioware. Considering their credentials, the likelihood of this turning out to be a stinker was as high as the likelihood of HaeZen's 360 working.
I shall do this wee little review in the following segments;
Gameplay.
Graphics.
Characters/Story.
Audio.
Conclusion.
With the goods and bads for each one. Without further ado, adon't or anal-collapsing, onto the first segiments lulz.
GAMEPLAY
Stuff For The Win
Bringing the sexy-back to a galaxy gone mad takes some doing. Luckily, the controls are responsive and solid.
With 6 classes available, and an optional side-mission allowing you to specialize futher, each run-through is different from the last. You can play it like Vegas in space, popping from cover to cover like future Duck Hunt. You could play it like Silent Scope in space, sitting back with a rifle, picking the enemies off like dags on a sheep. Or you could charge like a man, your rifle emitting mighty blasts of pure warfare.
The 'magics' fall under two categorys, tech and biotics. Biotics mainly serve to stop your enemy firing, by lifting them up, pushing them over, or snapping them in two like a crunchy tube. Tech revolves around weakening the enemy, and have a higher range than biotics. Techies can disable enemy shields and weapons, stop them using powers and lay mines for advancing enemies.
Upon killing an enemy, hacking a terminal, convincing someone to give you money etc. you will get exp. Hereby referred to as 'the magic good'. The magic good flows plentifully, I have got some for just pressing A on things before. Magic good lets you level up (surprisingly) and upon a level up, you can assign points to 'talents'. These talents are different for each character or class. For example, an Engineer can upgrade Sabotage, Pistols and Damping, whereas an Adept can do Lift, Singularity and Barrier, among others. The higher these are, the more testicle-twisting your powers will be.
Exploring planets is a simple matter of choosing a system from the map, choosing a planet that enables landing, and pressing A. From there, you can drive your MAKO, (a six-wheeled, shielded, jumping, cannon firing machine of doom) gaily around the planet, bumping around like kangaroos on a honeymoon. Using the map on the planet to investigate anomlies is easy. The planets aren't big, which is good, unless you enjoy a three-hour barren rock simulation. You can find minerals, pirates, ancient relics, or monkeys etc. on planets, enabling an exciting career as a space geologist if you are a coward afraid of battle.
Lots of talky-talky here, with an easy to use interface (nice answers at the top, asshole answers at the bottom) with slight changes to character's faces showing their emotions. Upgrading Intimidate or Charm will open up new options sometimes, like pointing a pistol at a guy's head, or smooth-talking a whore. No really, you can smooth-talk a whore.
Stuff For The Fail
Sometimes, your teammates will shoot you in the back in close-combat, and there is no way to de-select a power you chose accidently.
GRAPHICS
Stuff For The Win
They are superb. From the crisp interiors of the Normandy to the MAKO-melting lava, to the alien vastness of the Citadel, everything looks sexy. The characters generally look fantastic, and the special effects from powers are spectacular. Not much to say here really.
Stuff For The Fail
Sometimes, after cut-scenes and loading screens, it will take a while for textures to load in. Some people look like fleshy raisins.
CHARACTERS/STORY
Mass Effect revolves around people. Whether they have legs, tentacles, or float above the ground, people are important.
The main races of Mass Effect are:
Humans, newcomers to the Galaxy, brash, power-hungry, not completely reliables.
Turians, the enforcers of the Council. Had a war with the Humans when they first encountered them, mistrust is rife between the two races. They are proud, will do anything to protect the team and have the largest military presence in Council Space.
Asari, the diplomats of the Council. The eldest of the Citadel races and the wisest. All-female, can live for centuries, powerful biotics. They try to keep the balance, but can start plans that can only be seen working decades later.
Salarians, the Spies of the Council. They do not live long, but work quickly. Masters at subterfuge and intelligence gathering. Will attack without warning, but are the most similar to humans. In tactics anyway.
Geth, a sentient race of machines. They live in a remote area of space and hate all organic life. The Quarians created them as tools, but the Geth developed intelligence. Upon trying to undo their mistake, the Quarians were defeated by the Geth and thrown out of their homeworld.
There are also less-important races.
Volus: Master merchants, need to wear survival suits, allies of the Turians.
Hanar: Jellyfish-like creatues. Extremely polite in speech.
Elcor: Enormous creatures, lack efficient vocal abilities, so explain their emotion at the start of each sentence. Communicate with each other by smell and slight movements.
Quarians: Outcasts, blamed for the Geth. Proficent techicians, they live aboard a huge Migrant Fleet. Must wear survival suits outside of the clean Migrant Fleet environment.
Krogan: Masters of combat. They are regarded as potential criminals, which they delights in acting up to. Brutal, but their race is dying out as a result of a genetic infection which makes them infertile.
They have four testicles.
Stuff For The Win
Every single character has a good voice actor, and voices do not often repeat themselves, not often at all. (Oblivion, hang your head is shame)
Your allies are as follows;
Kaiden Alekno, Human, Sentinel (Tech/Biotic)
Ashley Williams, Human, Soldier (Combat)
Garrus Vakarian, Turian, Agent, (Tech/Combat)
Urdnot Wrex, Krogan, Battlemaster, (Combat/Biotic)
Tali.....something long and strange, Quarian, Machinist (Tech)
Liara T'Soni, Asari, Adept, (Biotic).
You can take two squad-mates with you on exploration or missions, allowing to make a balanced squad or one that is excellent at one thing, for example, Combat.
Talking to team-mates on the Normandy between missions is involving, letting you know more about them, or getting in their pants. They will tell you about their people, themselves and offer input on the last mission. Some will also lead you to new assignments (side-quests). That doesn't mean there isn't conflict, every so often, your decisions may clash with another character's, sparking an argument.
The plot is epic, with many hard decisions, and scope for difference between plays. On one mission, you can either try and save some colonists, or simply blast them into little tiny, twitching pieces to save time. Your squad-mates will often join in conversations, Wrex for example helps in threatening people. Not always when wanted, but he does.
Stuff For The Fail
Sometimes, things are cheesier than a melt-down at the Dairylea factory. Characters, though well-defined, are clearly on one side of the line. None are morally grey, they either get things done no matter what the cost, or would rather sand their genitals off than risk offending the politicians.
AUDIO
Stuff For The Win
Mass Effect goes retro with this. The music is there to enhance the mood. As earlier stated, the voice acting is superb. Gunshots sound like gunshots, and the howls, gurgles, and speech on enemies is top-notch. In particular, the screeches of Husks (look them up, I won't spoil it) as they lurch towards is chilling, especially if all was quiet seconds before.
Stuff For The Fail
The constant repetition on "Enemy is everywhere!" by your enemies becomes tiresome. Sometimes, in cut-scenes, things do not quite match up. Nothing game-breaking.
CONCLUSION
A stunning piece of work, Mass Effect is expansive, deep, and most of all fun to play. You know fun? Remember that from before gamerscore and leaderboards? With incredible characterisation, the game comes alive, and the combat is fast-paced, tactical and visceral. The problems are few and small, nothing that can diminish a perfect 142 out of 142.
My advice to you: Don't do all the story missions first, as you can't go back after they're done. And remember....
KROGAN KNOWS BEST!
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Gorfinkle
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i can't be arsed to read all that, giss the short version, whould you buy it Yes / No 
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Imshall
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Lol just read the conclusion Gorfy, that should give you the answer you want.
Great review Donut, I like it! The only problem is now when I start playing it the Krogan are going to be like spiritual guides to me after you keep hammering "Krogan knows best!" at me.....
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haeZen
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joo gif meh Epic lulz, i liek ur flavur.
fanx.
heZan,
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Holy_Donut
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O okiez Haezen, I b undrstandingz
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