Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 6:53 pm Post subject: Holy Donut's Media Review of Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Yes, I know. It's another horror film, and another zombie film at that. You want to know why I choose these to write about?
They make about as much sense as this picture.
What's about to happen?
Who trained the dogs to do that?
Why is he saluting?
And they know it, but don't even bother trying to cover it in realism or anything else. Well generally.
I have a system for this review, I will post a picture above some red highlighted text if I want to draw your attention to it.
The key for the pictures are as follows;
Stereotypes/Cliches
Things black people say in every film ever
And pure silliness, often resulting in unintended funny
So the rules are set, let's go! ONE FILM ENTERS! ONE FILM LEAVES!
Our first character is Ana, who is a nurse. We know this as she is dressed like a nurse, in a hospital.
But she isn't there, obviously.
We watch as she misses news of the impending zombie doom barely, once due to Stereophonics playing on the radio, and the second due to shagging her partner in a shower.
Ana escapes from George of the Zombie Jungle, and ends up outside her house. Cue a slow pan of the neighbourhood going to shit. I giggled at this for some reason. Her neighbour is paranoid, waving a gun at her, until....
HE GETS HIT BY A SPEEDING AMBULANCE AND KILLED.
Ha! Private healthcare that bitch!
Ana jumps in her car, and George of the Undead Rotting Jungle runs after her, going "ARARGAHGARHG!" And "GUIRGHGRHGAHGRHAGRHHH!" because he's a zombie now.
Ana accelerates, and Luis loses interest, randomly attacking a bypasser who is just sort of standing there in a bathrobe.
Ana, showing her caring nurse nature, ignores a woman begging for help and proceeds to speed away. And crashes. Lawl.
This leads to a pretty good opening credits, which is news reports, the names, and other things explaining the situation, set to When The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash. (That's the closest I found, the actual video of the credits is flagged unsuitable. Hate Youtube users so much)
So far, this movie is better than I remember, sure, Ana missing the news was a bit sketchy, and her hubby turning into a zombie was obvious, but that credits was pretty cool.
Ana awakes to Ving Rhames (bitch) pointing a shotgun in her face.
Ving Rhames is playing tough, bald, black cop with a shotgun and moustache.
Together, Ana and Ving Rhames (bitch) wander around and find three other survivors, 'Wonderbread', Andre ('OG') and his pregnant girlfriend (Plot twist ahoy!).
'Wonderbread' points out that VR(b) is a cop. Twice. Well duh, he is wearing a police uniform, and everyone calls him officer for about 4/5 of the movie.
Not joking, it takes years before we learn his name, as noone in this film ever goes "My name is Archibald Riverside, what's yours?" You have to wait until a partner character mentions their name in passing. And Ving Rhames and 'Wonderbread' take a long time, despite being main characters.
A guy who DIES IN THE SAME SCENE HE'S INTRODUCED IS NAMED BEFORE THEM!
Anyway, stereotype coming up.
Andre is a poor black gangsta type with a golden heart.
Blah blah, they talk for a while, then decide to go to the mall.
Ving Rhames says 'Shit.' And nothing else.
Another Stereotype/Cliche in 3....2......1...
Ving Rhames replies to 'Wonderbread's suggestion he does something with a cold stare. While loading his shotgun.
Andre and 'Wonderbread' wander around the mall a bit, each finding a zombie. Surprise. Andre's looks like Earl out of My Name is Earl. And the Earl zombie gums some shatter proof glass, getting a....
"Shatter-proof, asshole." From Andre. This is one of the many "<insert whatever you want> asshole!" that seems prevalent in American films.
Another zombie pops up where Ving Rhames is with the ladies, and he goes mano-a-mano with it. He fails, and Ana bails him out with a shotgun.
The gang flee to the lift, going up to the next floor. Where they are greeted with some guns pointed at their faces. Guns held by Mall Security, the boss of which has a startling resemblance to Earl zombie. And Earl.
They look like this guy.
The other two security types are Rookie and Lackey.
Security take our hero's guns and stuff. Then they all watch TV for a while. A lot of stuff about zombies on it.
A sheriff on TV (fairly obviously for the audience's benefit) explains that the zombies are killed by being shot in the head.
'Wonderbread' starts trying to smooth-talk Earl. Earl tells him to 'Drink a tall glass of Shut The Fuck Up.' Which is hardcore.
So, after winning the trust of the security, Ana and 'Wonderbread' paint the word 'HELP' on the mall's roof. While up there, they notice a guy who is sitting on the gun shop roof. With the help of a whiteboard and a marker, he tells them his name is Andy. By now, strangely, Earl is no longer totally evil, just more sporadically a dick.
We learn that Earl's real name is CJ.
CJ's little Lackey calls the Rookie a faggot. Now, with that one word, I want him dead quick fast.
And it turns out that Andre (the 'OG') has a troubled past. How original.
Andre explains to his girlfriend who he wants the baby to have an African name. But his name is Andre.
A truck is spotted driving very quickly splatting zombies hardcore, but CJ doesn't want to help them in case they're zombies. Ana points out that they aren't, due to the fact the truck is being driven, and guns are being fired out of it.
Then, Ving Rhames and 'Wonderbread' strike. They lock up CJ and Lackey, helped by Rookie.
By the way, 'Wonderbread' is called Michael, I just can't be bothered to type out 'Wonderbread' more, and it takes another hour and a half until we learn his name.
They rescue the truck, and it appears to be carrying a cargo of stereotypes. There are;
The hick trucker driver with a neckbeard and his wife.
A injured nice man and his daughter.
A rich dickhead named Steve.
Some random blonde bimbo.
Random old dude.
And a grotesque hambeast in a wheelbarrow.
The Truck Of Cliches brings bad news. The military base that was supposed to be rescuing people is now a big pile of corpses. Way to go US Army! Ving Rhames is pissed off, as his brother was supposed to be there, so delivers his kick-arse line of the film.
"Fuck y'all."
The injured man has a bitten hand. His name is Frank.
The hambeast dies. I assumed the weight of her own flab crushed her lungs and she fell into herself like a supernova, but apparently she was bitten. She comes back, gets up, runs at Ana, and gets a fire poker in the eye. Done.
Now, finally, they realize that the bites infect. Jesus, have none of them seen a zombie film! Duh! It's obvious anyway!
So, they decide to kill Frank, but he's nice! And has a family sobstory!
DRAMA AND CONFLICT!
Then it's revealed (just between Andre and his girlfriend) that she has also been bitten!
DRAMA AND CONFLICT!
Frank turns zombie. Get's a face full of Ving Rhames's shotgun.
Then there is a montage of the crew all enjoying themselves to this song.
After, the male survivors invent the best game ever. Look at the zombie horde outside, find one that looks likes a celebrity, then see how long it takes until Andy (in the gun shop) can find them and shoot them. This kicks some much anus.
Ana get's all sarcastic. Hey! Fuck off Ana! It's a good game!
Steve acts like a dick for a while.
Michael ruins a game of "What's your story" by talking about divorce and dead relatives.
It turns out that Andre's girlfriend is now a zombie. And he's tied her down. And she's still going to give birth.
Eww.
I mean...isn't all the.....piping...rotted?
Anyway, generators fail, so Michael, Ving Rhames, CJ and Lackey go underground to go and fix them. They find a dog, awww. And zombies, ewww.
A zombie with no legs somehow jumps on top of Lackey and bites him.
Lackey gets eated.
The trucker's wife goes to visit Andre and his girlfriend. See's the zombie woman tied down. And she's given birth to a zombie baby. Understandably, wifey shoots zombie girlfriend in the head. Less understandably, Andre then shoots the wife, and the wife then shoots Andre. Double kill.
The crew come running and find the zombie baby. It's gross and smelly so they shoot it.
Ving Rhames gives a speech about death, and motivates everyone to find a way out. So they make armoured buses.
Steve's a dick some more.
Holy balls! We finally learn Ving Rhames' character's name! After an hour and 20 minutes! It's Kenneth!
Steve acts like a dick some more.
The dog is named chips.
And Steve is still being a dick.
Andy is hungry, so they use Chips to go and send him some food. But uh-oh! Andy is bitten! Andy goes back to his roof, and smears some blood on his whiteboard before staggering away. Frank's daughter takes the truck and goes after her dog. Now they have to save her. Great.
During the rescue attempt, the hick trucker gets eated.
Then Steve acts like a dick. But oh no! Zombies got inside! Now they have to get to the buses and drive like billy-oh.
During the escape, a zombie is hanging onto the back of Ving Rhames's bus. So random old dude starts a chainsaw to kill it, but the bus hits a bump, he accidently kills blonde bimbo, the blood obscures Ving Rhames's view and they crash.
Old dude dead.
Steve is a dick and get's bitten.
Then Ana shoots him while getting Ving Rhames out. And loots his corpse.
They reach the boat they were heading to. CJ get's trapped in the bus and blows himself and a shitton of zombies up.
Turns out Michael was bitten, so he statys behind while Ana, Ving Rhames, Rookie, and Frank's daughter sail away. This is when we learn Michael's name. For fuck's sake.
Michael shoots himself.
End credits.
One guy's role was 'Squished Zombie'
Over the credits plays some video camera recordings Rookie made on the boat. They find an island. But's it full of zombies. Then the credits end.
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